Want to make friends? Have you been looking in church but yet to find any? Learn how to make friends in church. Let’s take a deep look at what is the difference between fellowship and friendship, and w
Friendship vs. Fellowship
Often friendship gets confused with fellowship. The Bible puts the focus of church as the primary source of fellowship with other believers in Jesus. Fellowship is the deep abiding sharing of experience and encouragement with other Christians. It is commanded in scripture (Hebrews 10:25) and demonstrated as the ideal (Acts 2:42-47).
But, fellowship is not the same thing as friendship. Friendship is a part of fellowship. Certainly, when we gather to worship and learn and pray for each other, that fellowship over time can become friendship, when a relationship and joy develops with others. It is simply a product of time together, along with shared experiences, joys and trials. Care for each other. This births out of fellowship. So, lets dig deeper and see what this process looks like.
What is the Purpose of Church?
Acts 2 clearly describes the first church as simply a group. A gathering of people, who share their same belief and life in Christ. Practically, these gatherings typically have 1) Eating together and fellowship., 2) teaching, and 3) prayer. It could be described as social life, mind life, and supernatural life. Additionally, other scriptures imply that communion, and certain other practices (typically called sacraments), are encouraged as well.
If church is a group, then it is possible we may have overlapping church involvement (multiple “groups”), all designed by God for our discipleship and growth in our walk with Christ. Much of the early church, as well as many countries today, have believers experiencing extreme persecution for their faith in Jesus, or even associating with other believers. The group (or church or ecclecia) exists to strengthen believers, through the faith of others. Our walk with Christ, although personal, is not an individual only endeavor. It is designed to be “together”. (1 Peter 2:5). And these “groups” all form a global church, also called The Church in some expressions of the Christian faith.
How the Church is Connected
When we come to church, it is important to get out of our mentality that church is something we simply attend or even come to. We belong to it. There is only one Church. But it is made up of many groups, or churches. And just like a network, or spider web or venn diagram, these groups intersect and overlap. That intersection, which gives us relationships with many “groups” is what strengthens us in our walk with Christ. It may be seen as duplicative or efficient, but it is actually designed that way. The world, especially the West, and its economy and systems focuses on efficiency. But God’s economy is focussed on fruitfulness and flourishing. The more relationships, interconnected, the better.
How to Make Friends In Church
When we belong to a church (or multiple “groups/churches” for that matter), we belong to a path towards relationships. Friendships are formed out of understanding each other, and shared experiences. So, it makes sense, that “attending” a 2-hour church service on a sunday morning in a large auditorium, we might not be able to get to know people very well. Friendship are more effectively formed one-on-one, in small groups, and frequently working together. Two elements are helpful for deep friendship growth:
- Intentional
We must be intentional about getting to know others. This could be a simple thing as studying a specific book in the Bible. Or running a volunteer team. But it must have intention, and ideally, eventual friendship should be a part of that.
- Regular
These gatherings, meetings, or groups should be regular. Historically, weekly church meetings have defined much of the rhythm of the faith, as modeled by the Sabbath in scripture.
However, there are many forms of regular gathering, including monthly, bi-weekly, and even daily. In Acts, early believers were in each others lives DAILY. In our day, that may seem far fetched, but it is one of the surest paths towards friendship . . . daily intentional time together. It could be meals together. Helping each others kids. Assistance.
But what if you feel nervous, or shy or introverted? This is where it is so important to slowly, and deeply, get to know one or two people at a time. Be involved in ministries that are small. Fewer people. Then, over time, get to know one or two more people. Then, look for ways to have shared experiences, such as overnight events, trips and retreats. These activities will not be so intimidating when you have already formed several deep relationships with a few others. In time, you’ll meet more friends. But it starts with meeting folks outside of the normal gathering. If you are part of a large church, find ways to meet others outside of sundays.
Finding Friends in Church
How do you find people in the first place? Perhaps you need to request to be matched with a group of similar people. And if their normal gathering (for example a “singles group”, young adult group, or music ministry) is too large, ask if there are sub-groups. Start with those. In time, through your faithful frequent presence, along with intentional visiting of small groups, faces start to become familiar. Names start to be remembered. And stories and lives start be be understood. You go from being a stranger at first, to having a few close friends.
Then, move towards one-on-one meetups, such as coffee dates or lunch. Ask about their story. How did they move here and get involved in this church? Ask about their family, background and personal faith testimony. As you ask questions, look for free information that can be food for further conversation and discussion.
Most importantly, ASK GOD. Our Father in heaven has all of the power to create connections that you normally wouldn’t be able to make on your own. He can and will bring people into your life. This was my experience. As a lonely and shy person, I had no idea how to make friends in church. Consistently I prayed, months went by, and not much changed. But, over a long time, seeking him and being faithful to my personal walk with him (quiet times, scripture reading, and prayer), he began to bring people into my life one-by-one.
Making friends with Americans in a church as an immigrant
One of the common questions and concerts I hear from our immigrant and international student friends is the difficulty of making friends with Americans. While it is true that Americans seem friendly and bubbly on the outside but often have shallow conversations and few deep friends, it is not impossible to make friends with them.
Americans like to start with small talk and chit chat. Simple greetings. But all it takes is one deeper question that is less used, like “What has been something difficult for you in the past week?” and all of the sudden, the guard is down, and you have opened the door to a deeper conversation. Just like I mentioned above, look for free information . . . something said that reveals more information for questions. Then ask about that. You could say something like, “Earlier, you mentioned that you like . . ., tell me more about that”. Sometimes, it is less about having things in common, and more about showing interest in them as a person.
If you do find a point of shared common interest, such as a hobby, specific sport, video games, or anything else, make it a point to talk about it. Ask them about favorites. Offer to meet again and talk about it one-on-one over lunch or coffee. This is where conversations start to turn into friendships.
Making Church Your Friendship Community
Overall, church is not only source of potential friendships, it may be the best way to find them. And, if you feel, you are not sure about your faith, but are interested in belonging to a church community, ask if they have groups especially designed for people seeking to learn more about Jesus. Often times they do. Our network of groups and churches often become a network of friendships, with occasional larger meetups. Make a commitment to making at least one additional deep friendship over the next year in your local church.